Novak (novak) wrote,

Personal: Openness or Emptiness?

Fairly early on, I tried to describe to Jen how taken I was with being with her by describing this phenomenon I had experienced the last few years while not dating anyone. I would be walking around campus and see some girl who looked or seemed attractive or interesting in some way, and just wonder about her: "I wonder what she's like?" "What would dating her be like?" If some girl smiled at me or something slightly more active in that way, those curious thoughts would especially be provoked.

So on that particular day, some attractive girl had smiled at me as I was walking across campus and – nothing. I was used to that stirring of curiosity, speculation and imagination, but now... it didn't happen. And I knew why: Jen. I didn't have to be curious about anyone else: she had captured my curiosity. I was content to be locked into the mystery of trying to figure out and to love this one woman who was being so gracious as to begin to "let me in" to her own mixture of acceptance and distance, of availability and still strongly-held privacies. But I was trying to say this backward, to explain the prior sensation or experience first, as I just have above, in order to convey the drama of the change, and the importance to me of what I was now feeling with Jen. But before I had a chance to fully express what I was trying to convey, she got upset in that I seemed to be talking about an experience of other women that I was now lacking – and it sounded to her like I was missing that experience.

I got flustered and frustrated, and I don't think I recovered well, or ever succeeded in getting my real point across. Thus we had one of many missed moments of potential communication and understanding. Yesterday I found myself experiencing that same curiosity and openness, that speculation as I passed strangers on campus. And it was so empty compared to being with her. So much more than just the feeling of having anyone in my life, I miss that rootedness and security I felt in passing by everyone else in the universe because I knew that at some point later in that day, or perhaps the next, I could talk with her, or be with her.

I'm honest, I think, in my willingness to date again, and to be open to real potential with someone else. But while it's merely potential, potentiality pales before actuality, every time.
Tags: personal

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